Saturday, June 10, 2006

FAITH

A friend asked me this today - have you ever wanted something so badly, prayed to the Almighty so often asking Him to grant you this thing, then one day, your prayer is answered and you become the happiest person on earth. But after a while, you find that it's not as good as you expected it to be. You feel so angry at the Almighty, no less. Have you experienced this before?

Well, that's a very big question, Muds, even from you who have constantly been the 'mind-boggler' in our circle of friends. (Note : Muds is the nutcase who comes up with questions like 'what is the function of underarm hair?' and 'apa pengertian fardhu kifayah?' all in one breath)

Flashback. I don't remember exactly praying hard for a certain something. But in my mid-twenties, in the midst of the usual after-solat doa of 'diampunkan dosa, dipanjangkan umur, dimurahkan rezeki, dibukakan pintu hati untuk belajar' for myself & family, I started inserting 'dipercepatkan jodoh' in my doa, and it became a part of my regular doa. Later on, I modified it into 'dipertemukan dengan lelaki yang boleh membimbingku menjadi manusia yang lebih baik'. Then after I met him, that bit of my doa was modified again into 'dipercepatkan jodoh dengannya, jika itu yang terbaik buat diriku'. Not long after that, we were united. Happily ever after? Yeah right.

On top of emotional trauma, the spiritual post-trauma was awful. I became a lost soul for a while. Merajuk dengan Tuhan. Boleh ke? I've never ever done any of the big sins You forbade upon us. I know I'm not perfect and perhaps I didn't do as much of the sunnah as I should've done, but at least I try to make sure the wajib is performed. And this is what I get? Is it too much to ask for, to grant me a normal family life, which you've already given to billions of others around the world? I did ask you to grant me that jodoh if it was the best for me. Why did You give it to me, if you know it was going to be temporary, why don't You just not give me it at all? I felt betrayed, I was so crushed.

It took quite a while and much support from loved ones to enable me to recover. I owe much of the spiritual guidance to an old friend, Brass, who lovingly helped me find my way back to Him. Something Muds once said, now made sense to me - "satu perkara yang amat sukar ialah untuk bersangka baik terhadap Allah".

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. And yes, I can verify that memang amat sukar untuk bersangka baik terhadap Allah, bila kita telah berhadapan dengan berbagai ujian yang datang dariNya. This is where faith comes in. Think about it.

*sorry folks, no pics today. Jie is in mulling mode*

2 comments:

Izhal said...

This Mud of yours sounds like a genius, seriously...

Jie said...

Yes Izhal, Muds is very special & unique, in that way :-)