Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Life is getting increasingly difficult, emotionally.

Spiralling down, down, down.

Lost in my own misery.



Friday, May 21, 2010


Vendor A kata barang Vendor B tak ikut spec,
sebab tu projek fail.
Vendor B kata barang OK tapi Vendor A tak reti install,
sebab tu projek fail.
Consultant kata jangan bayar, kerja Vendor separuh jalan,
sebab tu projek fail.
Project Manager kata Consultant tak reti bagi advice,
sebab tu projek fail.
Client kata Project Manager tak nak dengar nasihat Consultant,
sebab tu projek fail.
Big Kahunna kata terminate je semua orang,
sebab projek sememangnya dah FAIL!
hoi! hoi! HOI !!!!
Semua orang dok tuding jari je,
Apa ni, lagu Bangau Oh Bangau ke?
Macam budak-budak!
Siapa yang rugi?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


Hati ini aneh sekali.

Kadang-kadang degil sekeras batu, membisu.
Biar dipujuk, dibelai, walau diugut, tetap tidak berganjak dari keputusannya.
Biarpun adakalanya hati ini tahu, bahawa keputusan itu bukan yang terbaik untuknya, malah mungkin keputusan yang merugikan atau yang salah sama-sekali.

Tiba-tiba melembut cair, mengalir air mata.
Hanya kerna terbaca emel-emel lama yang telah dibuang jauh dari ingatan (tetapi silap teknik, telah ter-archive dalam sistem emel itu)

Maka ingatan lama (atau 'keterlupaan lama'?) datang menderu bertubi-tubi.
Tentang seorang cinta yang pernah bertapak di hati ini.....
Yang menceriakan hidupku, yang mendidikku, yang menasihatiku
Yang mengambil berat tentangku, yang mengasihiku
Yang amat bermakna dalam hidupku
Yang kuharapkan menjadi umarraku.
Namun takdir memisahkan!

Janji-janjinya yang pernah dilafazkan suatu waktu dahulu.
Masih... ingatkah dia?
Masih... terkesankah aku?
Masih... cinta... kah?

Hati ini memang aneh sekali!

Saturday, April 17, 2010


"Do you miss it?" asked a friend.

Agak tersentak jugak dengan soalan tu. Took me a few seconds before answering "Y..yyess..." In actual fact? Do I miss it? Like hell I don't!

I remember asking the very same question to Shook, the 'abanglong' in our group of happy-go-lucky singletons years ago. His answer was, "well, if you've never had it, you wouldn't miss it, cause you don't know what to miss." Yeah, he's right, I guess.

But if you've had it, and suddenly you don't get it anymore, it's like a Mat Pet going cold turkey. Absolute torture. The cravings, the cold sweat, the headaches. The emotional tension, making you crabby, snappy and angry. Takes quite some time to cool down. Lots of conscious effort to divert yourself.

The first few months for me, I had to take a sleeping pill every night. And I wished there were pills to help me get through days as well. Don't think only men have a bad time with abstinence okay, women go through hell too! It is fitrah manusia, after all. In fact, men probably find it easier to get a relief as compared to women *sigh*.

Though it's been a few years now, there are still moments of craving that makes me breakdown in tears. Times like these, the temptation to just fold in and say whaddahelljezfookit gets very strong, and it's not like there's no available alternatives out there. What am I afraid of, nothing to lose, I'm not a kid anymore. I'd love to say it is purely Iman that holds me back, but truth be told, I'm also chicken and have no guts to actually do it. So then, tears it is. Cry myself to sleep.

Allah, please help me!
*pic obviously googled

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Ahh... my long-neglected blog... I miss you so!

Sorry I've been away for so long, caught the facebook bug, just like everyone else! It was so much fun initially catching up with old friends, posting old & new pics and leaving hil;arious comments to each other. And it still is fun, but I've noticed some changes lately lah.

Some people have started to get too personal on facebook. Putting up several posts every day, declaring undying love for their spouses. Yeah, it's good that you're in love, but is that kind of post of any value to the social network that facebook is? And the fact that you are a second wife, kind of puts ideas into other people's heads, ya know?

Some others share their arguments & catfights on facebook. Hey hey, I hope your spouses don't know anyone on your friend's list, cause it'd be embarassing to run into friends who suddenly ask "eh, dah berdamai ye? ", or this "eh, yang sakit tu ari tu *wink wink* dah ok ke?" It's OK if you wanna let off steam when you are upset, it's OK to confide in some good friends, to ask for advice etc. But remember, what you post on facebook today, may also be read and remembered by your friends (or horror, your nephews and nieces!) days afterwords.

Oh, and there's worse. Some people use facebook as a warzone! They post hurtful remarks on each other's walls, provoke each other and get other people to join in their fights. Case in point, two women (one a wife, the other a girlfriend) fight over the guy in the cyberworld, calling names & accusing each other with terrible things. Wifey thought she was one-up when she started posting 'manja' pics of herself & hubs, until the GF started writing and describing 'manja' stuff between herself & the guy. I wish they'd just drop off facebook and take their fight elsewhere *sigh* Meanwhile, hubs is eyeing someone new... boleh?

So, my old faithful blog, I'm back :-)

I'm still on facebook a couple of hours a day, but I think I'm more at peace here with you, I can be more myself here with you!

Monday, February 01, 2010


Are we compassionate towards people with impairment (or 'OKU' as society labels them)? Truly, you will not understand the challenges they face, unless it happens to you or a loved one.

Last week I went for a foot reflexology massage at a centre operated by vision impaired masseurs (betul ke ejaan aku nih? hehe). Their impairment range from partial vision to total blindness. Although their eyes do not see, but their well-trained fingers reveal health-related things about you that you may not even be aware of!

Anyway, that's not what this post is about (although the masseur was able to tell that my vision is not perfect i.e thick glasses, I do not drink enough plain water, and that my bowel movement is not as good as it should be - all these within minutes of touching my toes, go figure!).

We chatted as she went about her work. Out of curiosity, I asked how she managed her money, if she could tell one ringgit notes from another. She said the old notes were easier to figure out, because they were of distictly different sizes and 'feel' (texture?). RM1 was smaller than RM5, which is smaller than RM10. RM50 is widest and RM100 is longer. But these days, the notes are almost similar in size, except for RM5 notes which is easily recognized because of it's different material component.

Wow. I've never thought out how our changing currency notes can affect the blind. A few days before that, my masseur and a friend had gone to a pizza place for a meal. Paying for the RM20 meal, the friend handed over a RM100 note to the waiter, and the waiter returned the balance to my masseur, the notes being folded haphazardly. See how the waiter duped them? When my masseur received the RM30 balance, she thought that her friend had paid with a RM50 note. But instead, they were short-changed of RM50. They only realized this after they had walked all the way back to their workplace.

So they returned to the crime scene and demanded the waiter to return their money. The waiter didn't even ask for a receipt or anything, and just handed over a RM50 note before shoo-ing them out of the pizza place. Obviously he knew their claim was genuine la. But how could he knowingly cheat them of their hard-earned money, by using their impairment as a weapon against them?

These are decent, honest and hard-working people. They do not take the easy way of becoming beggars on the streets. Instead they learned a skill, trained for years, work for 10 hours a day just to earn a living. Getting up in the morning every day is already a challenge to them, they do not need the extra worry of being victimised by so-called 'orang sempurna'. We've got a few things to learn from them about honesty, hope and perseverance.

It's a good thing my masseur was vision-impaired, otherwise she would've seen the shame I felt, listening about this incident.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Dear all,
Check out Kojiq's World, it has been updated.
Thank you for taking time to read snippets of our lives touched by Autism.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Well, "Happy New Year to you", and such.
Am not much of a 'new year' person. In fact, new year's eve was spent on the bed, kul 10.30pm dah tergolek tidoq, not even bothering to watch the televised concert/fireworks whatnots.

Anyway, am still adjusting to year 2010 at the office. Asyik tersasul sign tarikh pada minit as **/**/01, instead of **/**/10.

New Year resolution? Nah, don't believe in making resolutions only on new years. You should resolve to do something at any point it becomes necessary, betul tak?

Oh no, this year's the big four-oh for me! *dread*

Life goes on :-)