Actually mood kureng sket lately ni. On top of all the happenings in the office, I just found out yesterday that sis is pregnant again. Don't get me wrong, I really am very happy for her, because she's been trying for about a year now, so this is a much-awaited blessings, but it's salt unto my wounds. I am just wallowing in self-pity here.
I'm tired of looking longingly at what isn't currently within my reach.
I'm tired of sharing other people's joyous occassions, only to be empty-handed at the end of the day.
I'm tired of listening to the mind-numbing 'my hubby did this, my hubby did that' chatters from colleagues (which I tried to avoid even when I was still married)
I'm tired of ooh-ing and aah-ing over other people's babies pictures, even though some of them are, frankly, un-cute (to call babies ugly is quite mean la kan)
I'm tired being asked 'anak berapa?' which seems to be the standard questions by one malaysian to another, even if it's to a stranger.
I'm tired of loving other people's kids.
See a pattern here?
I love kids, but as fate would have it, I have yet to get a chance to undergo the motherhood experience. Such a loss, years of theoretical & mental preparations are now gone to waste. In a different place (say, US) and a different condition (if it is permissible in my religion), I might even consider in-vitro conception with an anonymous donor. But of course, that's wishful thinking.
So please excuse me, if lately I don't seem to be so eager to visit a relative or friend who's just given birth, or if I fail to attend your baby's cukur jambul kenduri, or if I don't turn up for your kid's birthday party. If we do meet, no need to automatically hand over your baby for me to carry. Don't expect I'll be cooing or singing lullabyes to your baby.
This morning a friend tried to pep talk me out of my doldrums. Thanx a bunch, honeybunch, like I said, you're a good buddy :-) I know I shouldn't feel this way, and I know what I should do. But I also know that I am human, with very fragile innerness. Things have been going around in circles lately, been there done that bought the t-shirt, now here we go loop de loop, woohoo! "Stop wallowing in self-pity, and focus on what you have that can lift you up", right? Honeybunch, this wallowing trip, I have to walk it alone, by myself, at the moment.
And this blog where I sometimes let my hair down, well, please bear with me, people.
Meanwhile, to 'manja' myself today, I wallop almost a tubful of Ben & Jerry's Butter Pecan. Yummy yummy, I tell you! Maybe tomorrow I'll get the Chunky Monkey pulak :-D
4 comments:
Hi Jie,
Your feelings? They're normal. Hang in there.
Hi Sam,
To those who understand, or try to understand, it's normal. To others, it's a waste of time. I say this - berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul.
Tapi biasa la, in the real world, di 'pentas dunia', heroin tenang, beb. Thanks for your kind words :-)
Jie, it's okay to wallow in self pity sometimes, kinda reminding us that we are just mere mortal in the real world with real problems! Despite what others think (I'm a superwoman?), I do that sometimes, and then trying to find reasons behind it all. But don't ever let it dictate your life, you are so much better that you thought you are. As always, my bahu is ever ready to ringankan your beban...for the past seventeen years and the next seventeen years and more!
Hi Kaez,
I'm done with the wallowing, for the moment :-) Hey doll, don't remind me about the seventeen years, you make us sound so old hahaha! Friendship like ours, I treasure very much, hope it lasts forever, kan?
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