It's been months since we last spoke, I think it was since the last Raya. We both decided to not contact each other again, ever. Otherwise we'll always stay in limbo, neither here nor there, merely occupying space in this darn bloody world. I really want to get on with my life. Find someone, settle down, 1 house + 2 cars + 3 kids in tow, peaceful life, blissful existance. Any of that came true yet? NO. NYET. NADA. ILLEK PUCHEK.
Then last week, he called. During lunch hour at the office. I can't describe how I felt on hearing his voice! A great big heavy weight was lifted from my mind. There's a certain relief which I don't know why or where it came from. Lucky I was able to keep my emotions in check, to not break into tears in the office. I realized how worried sick I had always been, not knowing where he was, dah makan ke belum, sihat ke sakit etc etc.
He asked me whether I was married, because if I was then he would put the phone down. I said I wasn't. I asked after Mak & the kids. Mak dah mula sakit2 & lemah badan. I wonder if to this day she is still under the illusion that we were still together? He never told her about the Big D, I think. Angah, the genius among the siblings, has started working in Motorola even before graduation. Along has just finished his final exams. Nana's taking PMR this year. Nothing new with the rest of the kids.
Please Allah, give me strength to decide my future. I still love him very very much, but I do need to get on with my life!!!! There is never a chance in a million for him to ever change, and so this relationship is futile.
Please Allah, make us both forget each other, so that we can get on with our separate lives. Please let him meet the perfect woman for him, for he has been searching so long and has made great sacrifices and mistakes along the way. This is my doa for him. I know he needs someone to take care of him, especially at this later stage of life when everything should have been long settled-down.
And doa for myself, please give me strength to get through this loneliness. Please heal my heart, so I can love again. Please shield me with iman, so I won't get side-tracked, for the temptations are great and the willpower is not strong. Please purify my heart, so I won't feel hurt & envy everytime I see married couples or people with kids. And please give me health and good fortune so I can at least be of service to my parents in the time being.
Allah, will you grant me my doa?
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